I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
