Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
50% drunk capacity currently
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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