Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
