The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
