When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Vodka?
Forever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
