Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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