if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
