I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.