Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.