I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?