My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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