Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
