I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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