Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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