can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
