the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
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I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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