Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
