Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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