When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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