The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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