spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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