The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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