My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
