Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
