SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
