I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
