Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
