If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
