Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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