Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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