I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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