i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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