Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
false alarm, still single
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
