I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I AM VODKA MAN
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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