She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is Oprah even human
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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