so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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