if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
