I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
