apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
