Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
