He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
