3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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