I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
