I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
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airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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