What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
