just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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