im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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