About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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