They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
