True but thats because hes a fetus.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
