so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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