we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hippo gnu deer
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
